Thursday, October 27, 2011

hey guys. i know its been like FOREVER since i updated my blog. actually ive already abandoned my blog for a very long time. but i needed to write this post to vomit out my feelings. seriously. everyday since the news, ive worn a mask to keep all my feelings inside. ive tried to compartmentalised them. until now ive not told anybody what im really truly feeling. ive had enough of this. so now its my time. i go to school and put up a fake smile. everybody thought that im okay with it and that its no big deal. Yeah. NO BIG DEAL. ITS JUST A FUCKING TRIP RIGHT? Well, this trip was EVERYTHING TO ME. It was the thing that motivated me to go through the hellness of this year. It was the only thing that made me get up in the morning and go to school. It was the one that drove me to excel in my studies. *sighs* and now its gone. JUST LIKE THAT.

I know that most of you are confused. Sorry for not telling you the whole story at first. So let me begin. As you guys know, i was selected for the UK trip (AT LAST! :) ) after numerous rounds of auditions by the teachers in charge. I felt as if i was the LUCKIEST girl in the world when i got to know that i had been chosen for the trip. OMG! NO WAY! was my first reaction. well, if only i ahd known........

So yeah. I was selected for my school's UK cultural exchange trip. I hosted a UK student named Kezia in July. She was the SWEETEST girl ive ever met and i love her to bits. We bonded and were very good friends eventhough weve only been with each other for a very short period of time. We promised that despite our distance, we would still write letters, email and chat with each other. I was suppose to go to UK this early december and i was EXCITED. DUH! WHO WOULD NOT RIGHT? so yeah. i knew that i would only get to go if i got promoted so i studied hard to do well for my exams and i did!

For the past 2 weeks ive been wondering about the trip and when the teachers would be informing me of the confirmed dates and amount that i have to fock out. As each day drifted past, i grew more excited and anxious for the trip. and den the horrible news came. it was on tuesday and i was in my CSE class. my friend told me that Mrs Siti wanted to see me about the trip. I was FREAKING EXCITED OKAY! I COULD NOT WAIT TO GO TO UK! THIS TRIP IS EVERYTHING TO ME! anyway, i tried to find her after i finished school but i was informed that she ahd already went home. i grew so anxious that i decided to find out her number from my friends. In the end, i smsed her to ask her of the UK trip's progress. She told me that she had something to tell me and she wanted to talk to me in person. So she called me. I was expecting her to explain to me the itenaries and stuff but NO! she told me that she had a really bad news. SHE FUCKING TOLD ME THAT I COULD NOT GO TO UK WITH THE OTHER STUDENTS AS MR TAN, MY RPINCIPAL, REJECTED MY APPLICATION DUE TO MY LATE COMING. WTF RIGHT? I MEAN PLEASE LA. I FULFILLED THE CRITERIA. I FUCKING PASSED MY EXAMS.

and as all KANCONG SCHOOLS in singapore knows, every alte coming ahs to have a punishment. ive already served detention and suspension several times. ISNT THAT ENOUGH OF A PUNISHMENT? I VE ALREADY BEEN PUNISHED WHAT!??!!?? WHY CANT THEY FUCKING JSUT LET IT GO. BUT NO! THEY HAD TO GIVE THAT AS AN EXCUSE TO NOT LET ME GO. AWESOME. ALL THE STUFF AND TROUBLES AND PATIENCE THAT IVE GONE THROUGH FOR THIS YEAR WAS GONE. JUST LIKE THAT. JUST LIKE THAT. ARGH. THIS IS SOOO ANNOYING. i told some of my friends about this and they asked me to appeal. so there was still a glinter of hope in me. MAYBE. JUST MAYBE, I CAN GO FOR THIS TRIP. so i smsed her again to ask her if i could appeal. YKNOW WHAT SHE SAID???

im veri sorry. the decision is final. there is no more vacancies in our group.

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL. SERIOUSLY. GOD. What i did not realise is that, THEY AHVE ALREADY FOUND A REPLACEMENT FOR ME EVEN BEFORE THEY TOLD ME. THAT IS TOTALLY UNFAIR. TOTALLY. THEY DIDNT EVEN GIVE ME A CHANCE TO REDEEM MYSELF. ITS NOT LIKE IM CAUSING ANY TROUBLE TO ANYBODY IN THE TRIP WHAT. ITS JUST THAT IM NOT THAT PUNCTUAL FOR THE STUPID SCHOOL. oh god. after being loyal and trying my best to stay in the trip, I FAILED. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS? WHEN SOMEBODY TELLS YOU THAT YOU CANT GO/GET SOMETHING THAT YOU HVAE WANTED SINCE LIKE FOREVER. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF A FAILURE I FELT? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME? even after 3 days since the news, IT STILL FUCKING HURTS.

seriously. im worried. my As is in 4 days and the ONLY thing ive been thinking about is THIS FUCKING THING. i dunno why my mind cant accept the fact. THE FACT THAT I CANT GO TO UK. NOT THIS YEAR ANYWAY. argh. ive tried my best to not think about this. ive tried really hard. but the more i try, the more i think and remember and feel hurt again. I HATE THIS FEELING. I WISH I WAS A ROBOT WITHOUT FEELINGS SO THAT I DUN NEED TO CARE. I DUN HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY EVER AGAIN. I WISH I WAS A VAMPIRE SO I CAN TURN OFF MY HUMANITY AND JUST DO WHATEVER I WANT. wow this feels good. jsut to let out my feelings to this blog eventhough i know NOBODY would read it. it just feels AWESOME!

*sighs* i think ive gotta see a counsellor asap before this gets worse. seriously. i dun want to let this distract me from getting my As for Malay, PW and CSE! NO WAY. A LEVELS IS MY EDUCATION. IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING OF MY LIFE AND I WILL NOT LET THIS SETBACK AFFECT ME IN ANYWAY. why cant i just accept the fact that cant go? WHY? oh god. i think ive said enough. there's a lot more things that i wanna vomit out but i think this is enoguh for today. i gotta start studying. *sighs* no more sleep for me today. :) thanks for listening to me blog! I owe you one! :)

Love, Sabby

the world will turn WILD.
10:55 PM